December 13, 2020 – It’s Taylor Swift’s 30th birthday today. Two days ago she dropped another surprise full record, Evermore, and video for the lead song, Willow; all of which are on YouTube. I’ve only had a chance to listen to a little bit of the record, enough to know it is the companion sister record to Folklore, the one she dropped in July, and even that one, I only am now really digesting. Honestly, I can’t keep up with Taylor. There are rumors there might be a third of these – an album trilogy. We’ll see in a few months, I guess. Something to look forward to.
In the meantime, I’m trying to finish work things, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you know what they say about lights at the end of tunnels … There are either good, or they are a train about to run you over. Again, we’ll see in a few months, I guess.
But in meantime, I am regressing. Of course, I have a list of things I want for Christmas, none of which are possible, because that’s what I do. I would like a horse trailer. I would like a metal building … because I want it to be the start of my farm. I want to grow mushrooms and lavender; the mushrooms need a building, and whole bunch of equipment I’m only beginning to learn about. I want an Izod; seriously, I’m in preppy, retro mood. I want highlights, but there will never be another open hair salon again, or so it seems. And I would really, really like to go skating. That’s a memory of Christmas for me for … forever. As a girl, I always looked forward to my new skates, my present on Christmas Eve – a preliminary present to the other ones I didn’t know what they were that came on Christmas day. Oh and I would always want a new pet. So I got that: my new parakeet, who I got early enough that Christmas won’t be traumatic for him, we’ll see on that too, I guess. Too bad I can’t have a horse too as the new pet, but I digress.
As for skating, most of the time, skating eclipses music for me. I really, really, really do love it. Music is good. It’s a nice by-yourself, study-like thing where my mind gets to go somewhere else. But there’s a feeling I get when I skate, a feeling that is not duplicated in anything, except for riding a horse – this feeling like freedom combined with flying; it’s amazing. But unfortunately I can’t do either right now. I wonder if skating rinks will ever be open again. The crazy thing is I have new skates, not new right now, new two years ago, but for so many reasons, I never got to go. Honestly, I was scared to start over, so for a year I just put it off, then a pandemic came. Oh, and there’s another thing I have now, this desire to ice dance – something I’ve never done. Well, sort of yes, and sort of no. You see, whenever I hear a new song, or hear a song I love, my first instinct is not to sing along, not to learn the guitar line. No. My first instinct is what dance move would match it, what skating move would match it. What I would do very first is put music on and interpret it, watching my reflection in the windows of my living room, old wooden windows that line the walls all the way across; they are my mirror. Only thing is, I haven’t felt like doing that in so long. I honestly … can’t any more. That feeling seems to have left me. I don’t know whether it is the frenzy that I’ve been living, or if I just haven’t done my little dances in so long I forgot how. I forgot the feeling, and it is a feeling. I do so wish it would come back.
I’ve watched skating videos. Actually, no; I usually start to watch them, but turn them off because I feel so far removed from it now. It’s like I feel like I’m doing something wrong when I watch them. But one came up today that might have planted a seed. It’s ice dance, again. I don’t know; perhaps I like ice dance now because it matches more closely the little moves I used to do spontaneously to the music I loved. These are a young brother-sister team, Americans, which I love, and they are in practice outfits. Somehow I think that’s prettier when they are in practice outfits. It’s gorgeous work, and I still feel like, if I could get myself back out there, I could do those skills, not so much jump anymore, but those edges … perhaps. This program is set to Metallica, well a Metallica arrangement. That would be me, when I did such things – making my rock into … a skating program, full of emotion, all in the living room. I’ve watched this three times now. This video is in my head … doing something.
For now, I’ll put that on the list of Christmas things too. Skating. For that matter, dancing around the house to music again. I do so wish I could do this. I just want to try, even if when I get on the ice all I do is cry, like last time, which itself was years ago now. I need to try. I need to push through. This video was my present. If anything, it was a reminder that I need to not let go of the things I love. And perhaps that’s what my list – a horse trailer, a metal building, an Izod, highlights, and now an open skating rink — really are. A return to … myself – a skating, horse-riding … farmer. Whatever it is, I am really feeling the holiday spirit.